The Pain Of Change — The Pain Of Control
Most recently I have experienced the pain of change, difference, the unknown and the difficulty that comes with not knowing if life will play out as I wish or foresee it to you.
The battle within with respect to creating a a balance of allowing and not being attached to taking ‘active action’ and being hyper focused — the internal tug of war of contrast and when to play the card of each…
As a man, this can be daunting in so many ways… To not know and have the societal pressure placed upon us that to not carry certainty and a ‘way through’ is to not be adequate, enough or intelligent.
To not feel in control is demoralizing. Feelings of weakness arise, embarrassment, the struggle of not having ‘my sh*t together’ has forced me to be deeper introspective upon what matters most to me and where I surrender would be fruitful…
It’s interesting what arises within when we pay attention to the inner paradigm of self. I have felt the insecurities of self arise within my own consciousness as I traverse the unknown path that I am presented with in my life at present.
As the ground I tread (my path of life) perceptively feels shaky and unstable I ask myself, what is next, can I be with the uncertainty? I have explored far deeper, with far more pain, what is this compared to that?
But not having the answers hurts my ego, regresses my inner child and he pops up as this stimulus within my environment is triggering feelings (implicit and explicit) of past pain and fear. Not being in control feels unsafe. Parts of me dig in and posture strength and stubbornness, other parts wish to retract and hide…
I feel the pain of the older patterns of self emerging. The current version of me does not feel this, the older versions of me are still somewhat active when placed under pressure.
This also becomes interesting, to observe the old emerge. A new set of questions arise around the equilibration of these old expressive traits. Why are they still here? Do they belong? What have they to teach me?
What’s important is THE HOW. How we interact with these old patterns. Do we continue their existence and life force by interacting in the same old way or do we diffuse them and enlighten ourselves in the process by interacting differently?
I am choosing to be different to what I have been and for this I am profoundly grateful. It is all learning and this learning allows me to create powerful space for inward growth.
One is always glad to be of service.
